Lock thy weak heart,
Never have I felt this confused. I have no idea how and what to feel anymore. My heart is shaken. Its bruised. Not by what someone did, but by my own weakness. I have a weak heart. I get emotional too easily. Im too soft. I let my tears flow out as if they're free. But no, tears are precious, and I cant keep them in any longer. Tears roll down my cheeks, slightly pink from the internal heat of my body. Im happy yet sad. Angry, frustrated with myself. I am weak. I have grown physically and emotionally weak, its driving me insane.
I cry. All the time. But no one ever knows. I hide it all. I try my best to be cheerful in school, but there are limits to my patience in bottling up everything I feel. At times I want everyone to surround me so I feel protected and accompanied. Other times I dont want to be near anyone. But its an exception for you. No matter how depressed I feel, I always want you near. Even if Im angry at you, I want to hug you. Thats how much I love you. Sometimes I blame myself for loving too hard. I can never keep anything from you. Everything will gush out of me. Thats why Im always breaking down infront of you.
Now that I know the truth it makes me cry even more. And thats why I chose to absent myself from school again. I dont know when I would break down again. I dont want to break down infront of everyone. I'll look weak, breaking down for absolutely no reason, or so it seems to them. But there is always a reason, it only depends on whether I am aware of that reason or not.
Ive been through so much pain, and all I want is a break from it. But if Allah swt thinks that I am capable of handling one punch in the heart after another, if Allah swt thinks I am capable of handling sorrow after sorrow, then I should be confident in myself. But honestly, as much as I want to be confident that I am as strong as Allah swt knows I am, I cant.
I read somewhere once. "The girls who appear strongest, are the ones that cry when no one is looking"
And Habib said yesterday "No matter how strong Robin is, she still cries when no one is looking. But she has Ted to fall back upon. And I am your Ted"
I dont know what else to rant about, but I know do know that the more I type, the more tears will flow down my cheeks. And I dont want to cry anymore. For now.
Till next time.
Peace be upon you readers.
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