Distraught
Have you ever felt so confused. Completely distraught from all the thinking, the tangling of your thoughts. Having your heart tell you one thing, but your mind telling you something else.
For almost a month now, I am at lost. Lost for words. Lost for emotions. I have no control over these fights between my brain and my heart. Completely no control. It makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I breakdown all the time because I can take no more of this.
When you actually have friends, family, and other people there for you. But you feel so lonely, so disconnected from the world around you. Thats exactly how I feel. And it terrifies me. Friends have been asking me, "Are you okay?" "Whats the matter?", but what am I to answer? They would never understand if I were to say "I feel disconnected".
With all this going on, I understand exactly why I feel so lost. I have so much to think about. My family. My relationship. My studies.
My relationship. Its turned into such a wreck that I feel like nothing I do can ever pull everything back together. It seems that every little thing I do pushes him away. To have put in so much effort to make things alright again, then to see the distance between us grow. It bloody hurts.
"I know Im not tired of you, but maybe you got tired of me. Seems like every little thing I do, makes you pull yourself away."
For now I shall try to control my feelings and my thoughts. I shall try not to show it. Because it seems like you dont appreciate it anymore. But how can I control all this, when I love you too much. Too much it hurts.
Dear self,
Im sorry my actions have once again hurt you. But please dont ever give up. If no one loves you and finds you beautiful, at least Im still here. ♥
Till next time,
Assalamualaikum ;')
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